Harrieta: A Twisted Fairy Tale
by Hungarian Coat
Summary: Ever wished that Severus Snape would sneak into your room and tell you a fairy tale? Me neither. But I know you're curious! Severus weaves a charming tale, jam-packed with senseless misfortune. Enjoy!


Harrieta- A Twisted Fairytale  
  
Disclaimer: Not a pinch of these characters were created by Hungarian Coat and all of their little bucket elves. JK Rowling made'em all up. However, this story is not hers. I better not catch her stealing it.  
  
Neville: *awakens in the night to see a shadowy figure creeping around the dorm* ..... *blink* BWAAAAAAA!  
  
*lights go on all over Hogwarts*  
  
Minerva: *rushes into the dorm, lights flying on* All right, all right, now what's going on h- SEVERUS! What are you doing with that frying pan?!  
  
Severus: *hides pan behind his back; innocently* What frying pan?  
  
Minerva: That one. *points* I can still see the handle.  
  
Severus: *hides the handle* That better?  
  
Minerva: Yes.  
  
Severus: ...  
  
Minerva: Of course, you realize I still know it's there, right? What are you doing in the Gryffindor dormitory with a frying pan?  
  
Neville: *whine* He was going to smash me with it!  
  
Severus: Actually, I was going to assault your toad, but that sounds like a much better idea-  
  
Minerva: Severus Snape! You were going to smash Neville's toad?! *aghast*  
  
Neville: *sob* Trevor!  
  
Severus: ..... *awkward pause* ...what frying pan?  
  
Minerva: ...  
  
Severus: I mean... *arches a smooth eyebrow* That's ridiculous, Minerva. I would do nothing of the sort.  
  
Minerva: Then what exactly were you doing in here with a frying pan?  
  
Severus: What's wrong with a frying pan? *shows her the pan* It's a very nice pan. *runs a hand along it* Smooth.  
  
Minerva: I demand an explanation!  
  
Severus: Well... uhm.. you see... I've just felt so darned awful over how I've been treating Longb- ...Neville... that I...  
  
Neville: *cries* Came to smash Trevor!  
  
Severus: SILENCE, PIG-CHILD! *cough* I mean... hush, dear boy. I'm explaining myself. You see, Minerva, I came to... tell Neville a bedtime story! *wide, forced grin*  
  
Minerva: Well?  
  
Severus: Well, what? *clutches frying pan to chest* You can't borrow this, if that's what you're implying.  
  
Minerva: Severus, I couldn't care less about your cookware. Let's hear this supposed bedtime story.  
  
Neville: *sits up*  
  
Severus: Ah, dammit.  
  
Minerva: *taps foot*  
  
Severus: Right.. let's see...  
  
*screen fades out*  
  
Severus: Once upon a time, there was a boy named... Harrieta.  
  
Neville: *blink* A boy? Is this story about Harry?  
  
Severus: SILENCE!  
  
Neville: *whimper*  
  
Severus: Harrieta lived with his evil stepmother, who was cruel to him, though he no doubt deserved every bit of what he got.  
  
Neville: Wait, isn't Harrieta a girls name?  
  
Severus: I don't know! Shut up, will you? Do you want to hear the damned story or not?!  
  
Neville: N-not really, actually.  
  
Severus: Well, that settles it. He doesn't want to hear it. I'll just be going now... *stands up*  
  
Minerva: Sit DOWN, Mr. Snape, or we'll go straight to Albus with news of your frying pan adventure.  
  
Severus: *glares at her, but sits back down* Well...  
  
Harrieta: Oh, woe is me. I sleep in a tool shed, and have dreadlocks, because my evil family forbids me to brush my hair. I am so very unhappy. *sob*  
  
Severus: Harry's evil stepmother, Siriusa, was as evil as evil stepmothers come. And was she ever ugly! Wretched! People threw up upon meeting her, and couldn't sleep for days afterwards because her horrible image was ingrained on their minds. Ugly, ugly, ugly-  
  
Minerva: Get ON with it.  
  
Severus: *scowls* ...and she had an ugly, cruel daughter named...Remus- Anne, who was dreadfully spoilt. They were both unspeakably mean people. One day...  
  
Harrieta: I love you, stepmother, even though you're so terrible to me.  
  
Siriusa: Gah! *smacks Harrieta*  
  
Harrieta: Ooh..!  
  
Remus-Anne: *bounds in, pigtails bobbing* I've got a capital idea, mum! Let's play tether-ball... with Harrieta as the aforementioned ball!  
  
Siriusa: Actually, that takes far too much thought, and I do hate to think. Let's just kick him a lot.  
  
Remus-Anne: Yes, let's.  
  
*they commence with the kicking*  
  
Severus: Now the king of this area, whom I don't care to name, had a perfectly wretched daughter named Hermione...a. Hermionea. She was throwing a grand ball, because she was too ugly to find a mate without practically paying her subjects to come look at her. Siriusa and Remus-Anne were very excited, and began to prepare, because (for reasons I can't fathom) they were both invited to the ball.  
  
Neville: I'm tired...  
  
Severus: Shut up, I'm on a roll! Ahem..  
  
Siriusa: We were invited to the princess's ball! How wonderful! Let's beat up Harrieta to celebrate!  
  
Remus-Anne: I would love to, mother, but I seem to have broken my back, and am in unimaginable pain. *writhes*  
  
Siriusa: Oh, me too! *writhes as well*  
  
Severus: Unfortunately, they both recovered. Later that day they were all ready to head off to the castle, when Harrieta approached them with a ridiculous proposition.  
  
Harrieta: May... I go to the ball?  
  
Severus: What they did to him is so bloody and malicious, that I really can't sum up the words to properly describe it, though if I did venture to do that, the torture would be six paragraphs long, at the least.  
  
Minerva: I'm beginning to regret this... *massages temples irritably*  
  
Severus: Harrieta was crying and mopping up the gore that had spilled from his exposed entrails when suddenly there was a chorus of angels, and Harrieta's godmother, Ronda, appeared.  
  
Ronda: Hi.  
  
Harrieta: Hello.  
  
Ronda: Blimey, I bet you wish you could attend Hermionea's ball, right?  
  
Harrieta: Yes, very much so.  
  
Severus: They were making the most repulsive facial expression as they spoke. Simply awful.  
  
Ronda: Alright! Simply click your heels together three times...  
  
Harrieta: Okay.. *does so*  
  
Ronda: ...give a little whistle!  
  
Harrieta: *whistles*  
  
Ronda: And cut off your little finger on your left hand. With this spoon. *hands him a spoon*  
  
Severus: Whilst he did this, Ronda was afflicted with premature arthritis, and suffered greatly.  
  
Harrieta: Done!  
  
Ronda: Fabulous. Now.. *raises his star-tipped wand*  
  
Neville: Wait, wait... doesn't Harrieta have a wand? Aren't they wizards?  
  
Severus: *snarls*  
  
Neville: ...sorry.  
  
Ronda: Inkle-dinkle..Severussnapeisthebest! *waves his wand and Harrieta's dreadlocks vanish, his clothes become neat and tidy, and a pink-laced carriage appears outside his tool shed*  
  
Harrieta: Wonderful! But.. *looks down* ..I seem to have cloven feet.  
  
Ronda: What, am I your genie? YOU try to cast decent spells with arthritis like this! Geeze!  
  
Harrieta: Well, good enough, I suppose. Thanks for everything! *skips off to his carriage*  
  
Severus: Harrieta's carriage was drawn by six, blind hippogriffs, and they bumped into each other and fought the entire ride. So it took Harrieta three and a half hours to reach Hermionea's castle, though it was only a mile away.  
  
Neville: Why didn't Harrieta get out and walk?  
  
Severus: Because his carriage was surrounded by lava. Now shut up. *clears throat* When Harrieta arrived at the castle he was met with a horrifying sight! Everyone there was so much more attractive than him! It was astounding, really. He thought about leaving, but thinking hurt his mind so much that he forgot why he was there in the first place, so he just sat down on the steps and cried his little eyes out. Meanwhile, Siriusa and Remus-Anne were having a lovely time, but inevitably the side of the ballroom they were on caught fire, and they perished. But not before having their faces pecked off by vicious pigeons that roosted in the rafters, on account of the castle being so shoddy and in disrepair. There was a hole in the roof, you see, and that was how the birds got in. Anyway...  
  
Neville: I don't like this story...  
  
Severus: Good! So, Hermione was dancing with anyone who could stand her stench when she noticed Harrieta crying on the front steps. She was shocked, as she had never met anyone who equalled her in ugliness and sheer stupidity before. It was disgusting love at first sight.  
  
Hermionea: *approaches Harrieta* Wow, you're just as god-awful as I am. Let's dance! Badly, of course.  
  
Severus: So they danced, very badly, stepping all over each other's feet and knocking over refreshment tables, until it began to rain. The rain poured in through the hole in the roof, and they slipped in a puddle and broke every bone in their bodies. They died very slowly. Fortunately, a rather handsome, intelligent, witty, creative man by the name of Severos Snappe came upon the condemned building years later and turned it into a five-star hotel, from which he grew very, very rich. He lived happily ever after. The end.  
  
Neville: ... *mouth hangs agape*  
  
Minerva: ... *cough*  
  
Trevor: Ribbit!  
  
Severus: *smashes Trevor with his frying pan*  
  
THE END 


End file.
